Chillax!

Oh, it's been so long since I've posted and there's no time to catch you up properly, but I will I promise. New York was fantastic. The shows after New York here in SoCal were also wonderful. Just a quick post to say, yes, it's hectic, but it WILL all get done. Take some time to chillax. Look, even Mary and Joseph and few sheep are taking a break by some sound equipment at my last gig. If they can take a breather, so can you. Keep me afloat for my flight to Chicago on Xmas Eve. They're expecting bad weather. Well, at least Dean will be with me. If they allowed folding chairs on the wings, he would sit in one. That guy loves to fly. More to come, I promise!

Life is Bumpy. Get over it.

This is what Dean just texted me, when I reported to him that Mom landed safely in Newark but said the flight was bumpy. This is why I love him so much. He will do anything to reduce my fear of flying, and this is the exact right approach: don't indulge the crazy! I hate flying. I hate when my loved ones fly. Tomorrow I'm taking a redeye, which is a bummer, cause number one, it's supposed to be windy as hell the whole time, and number two, even under the best conditions, I can't sleep. Gotta be on my game, in case the pilot needs me. Airport '75 anyone?

But people, I'm off to NYC tomorrow night to do two shows of the Christmas show I'm in. My first NYC credits! So I gotta fly. There'll be a good tail wind, but good God, that's gonna be bumpy as we get closer to landing.

That said, I downloaded Virgin Atlantic's Flying Without Fear app on my iPhone. Hopefully, I can stay online the whole time on my iPhone. WiFi on airplanes - who knew? The lovely thing about iPhones is, you can turn it to Flight Mode, but you can keep your WiFi on, so no one can call you or text you but you can surf the 'net to your heart's content. Love that little machine.

Anyway, Dad always said, if you make it to NYC, we'll hire a bus and come see you. But Mom coming on her flight is the next best thing. Dad would have gone too, if he were still with us.

So, THANK you, Kenosha bus driver and 294 tollway and O'Hare and American Airlines and Newark airport for cooperating and getting Mom there. My aunt, Mom's sister, has tied her do-rag on for the duration of this visit - she will be responsible for All Things Mom for the duration of her trip. They come to the city to see me on Saturday night. I'll be nominating her for Stage 1 of Canonization directly afterwards.

You'll see plennya NYC pix, believe me.

But first I gotta make it there.....

The Drummer Chronicles, Part 2

Is there anything more precious than a sleeping baby? For me, there is: an animal who actually shows some initiative and gets off its lazy butt and finds itself a damn job. Animals are expensive! Even visiting ones. I love how Drummer's eyes kinda go away when he sleeps. It's like: eyeless wonder cat. When I was in the shower, I heard a curious sound. When I came out, Drummer was looking for a job online. I'm telling you that cat has it all. I don't think THUG WANTED is anywhere on craigslist, but hey you can't blame homeboy for tryin'.

Stage.

I've written this before: is there anything better than an empty stage, waiting to be performed on? I don't think so. Here are a few shots from this past weekend's show. It's hard to tell, but they had this place Christmassed out of its mind, and it looked fantastic all lit up when the set was in place. But my favorite time is always the time before: just me, my temple, my altar, my private moment. I feel perfectly at peace, at one with something BIGGER when I'm standing on an empty stage in a theatre that I will soon be performing in. It's a holy place, that.

Crisis Averted!

If you have not seen the Pioneer Woman's blog, now's the time. http://www.thepioneerwoman.com/.

Just so much fun. I've started trying out her recipes. Occasionally, she posts recipes from a friend of hers, Pastor Ryan. Today, I decided to make Pastor Ryan's Monkey Bread. People, please take note: do not make this in a leaky Bundt pan. I had a smoky kitchen in about 45 seconds. I'm now going to have to clean my oven like nobody's business because of this.

That said, I transferred everything to a large glass baking dish, ran over to my landlord's kitchen and it still turned out delicious. AntiquesMan, aka Dean, has asked me not to call him the Boyf anymore, so Dean it is. I'm hoping Dean likes this a lot. Even I tried a little and I don't really like cinnamony sweet stuff this early in the morning. It's really delicious, like a hot puffy snickerdoodle.

This is the time of year we eat stuff we don't normally eat, so even though I wish MY house smelled like a Cinnabon stand instead of my landlord's, just letting it cool in my kitchen is enough to stink up the joint. But in a good way!

Christmas tree closeup is from work. It's the only tree I put up, believe me. Like my kitchen tile? My pal did it. I gotta get Christmassy here, cause I have another show tonight, which, like this recipe, is a gift.

Pastor Ryan's Monkey Bread (with thanks to Ree!)

Preheat the oven to 350

Use either a big glass thing like mine, or a Bundt pan that does NOT have a removable bottom

Don't bother greasing either one

3 tubes of Pillsbury (I used Albertson's brand - Jewel for you Midwestern folks) Buttermilk bisquits, NOT the flaky kind

1 cup sugar

3 tsp. cinnamon

2 sticks of butter, melted

1/2 cup brown sugar

Put sugar and cinnamon in a giant ziplock. Mix well. Pop open the cans of bisquits and cut each one into four. Put these doughballs in the bag and coat. Yes I said doughballs, be mature.

Melt the butter and the brown sugar until all one color

Put the doughballs in your baking dish/pan. Stop that giggling. Pour butter over.

Bake for 40 minutes.

Work out like a fiend afterwards.

The Drummer Chronicles, Part One

I know I've posted about this cat ad nauseum on Facebook, but not everyone I know is on Facebook, so here's some more Drummer for you. For those of you who don't know, Drummer is my neighbor's cat. He really is more like a dog - he really is more like the late great Benny, my beloved black and white Jack Russell Terrier. More on him in a separate post. Anyway, it's time you met Drummer. He comes over a lot in the wintertime. He usually has a morning snooze and then I put him out. Today, he came by and looked at me balefully. I was sitting in his chair. As soon as I got up, he popped up and had a little snooze. Then he had an asthma attack. Pretty standard morning for him. Then, he cleaned himself. Then he went outside to kick some ass. He's pretty much a thug in our 'hood. He likes to hang out in the street, like a punk-ass. The FedEx and the UPS guys all love him. They recognize a kindred spirit, a brother. Then, he spends the day reconnoitering and muscling his way around the various yards. He kicks ass and takes names. Possums, squirrels, rabbits, birds, other cats. Fuhgettaboutit. It's Drummer's world, and we all just visit it. Love that cat.

Busted.

Sometimes you see the weirdest things in LA. Look at this guy's car scenter thingy. I mean, who hangs that in their car? Only in LA. The funny thing is, as I was taking this picture in the Trader Joe's parking lot, the car owner totally busted me. He literally appeared from out of nowhere "Oh, so you like my air freshener, huh?" "It's cool!" I said, but what I really wanted to say was: freak. Then I ran into the store. It still makes a great picture. Not that I want this blog to be that kind of a website. I mean, now what, cocktail weenies and Pillsbury dough wrap recipes? No. Besides, you already know how to make those. Be sure and have plenty of hot mustard and please use kosher beef weenies. Those are the best.

The Venice Canals

I've been to Venice, Italy and Venice, California. Don't get me wrong, every single part of Italy is fantastic. But for California, one of the prettiest places in Los Angeles is the Venice Canals. There used to be tons of them, but now there are only six. I am very fortunate to live near them. The boyf and I walk them at least once every two months. You can never really see the same thing twice. There are also canals in Naples, CA, but they are big and overbearing and just too much. These pictures, taken with both an old and a new cell phone, don't really do the Venice ones justice. The topiary, the architecture, it's just incredible there. I'll go there with my regular camera and take some real pictures for you. Look, one guy even built himself a lap pool! The boyf says that furniture is sorta famous. At Christmas (see? there's that word again) they wrap the cross bridges and people put lights on the palm trees and all the lights on the houses and the little boats reflect in the brackish water. Everyone seems to have a canoe or a kayak, but you hardly see anyone rowing. There's even a little Canal Christmas Parade, which we miss every year. People like Anjelica Huston have houses on the canals. Someday, it would be nice to have one there too. I'm sure she's an excellent neighbor.

Sheesh, Christmas already?

Good God, can it be here? Well of course it can. Eh, I'm not the biggest Christmas person in the world, which is an understatement if you know me. One thing I really like about Los Angeles is that unlike Chicago, Christmas isn't in your face everywhere. It's just not celebrated here the way it is in the Midwest. It looks funny, too, when people decorate for Christmas. It's like those really strange neighbors you had as a kid who were so lazy that it would be summertime and they would still have their Christmas lights up. It just does not FEEL like Christmas, unless you seek it out. So for the Christmas blasé person like me, it's kinda perfect. I'll be posting some more Christmas stuff in LA this month.

Check out my fall leaves picture. I took it on Saturday. Some streets have such a Chicago feel to them. Of course, then you go to the beach and see the sunset and realize you AIN'T in Chicago anymore. We had a little storm brewing over by the mountains, which produced some killer-looking clouds.

The funny thing is, I perform a Christmas version of my show. So I really have to ramp up the Christmas spirit, at least for my audience. The other night, I had my first one. Look at that set - isn't it great? As soon as I heard the preshow music, I really felt happy. I think it was due to performing, not necessarily Christmas.

Have I said Christmas enough in this post? I was mourning the loss of the salted caramel hot chocolate at Starbucks this season, but then was happy to see that Trader Joe's has coughed up a dark chocolate salted caramel...well caramel. I have yet to try them. I'm still working through the Dreyer's Seasonal Peppermint Ice Cream. Hey, if it's the holidays, you gotta indulge a little. I guess I could post a high-calorie recipe to keep things moving along in the holiday spirit. I don't have a picture for this, but I'll give you my old chestnut (get it?) Sesame Peanut Noodles. I'm so lazy I don't even use tahini. I think you'll like this one a lot.

1 box linguine

1 jar of unsalted creamy peanut butter

1 small bottle of sesame oil

Soy sauce (I use Bragg's Amino Acid) to taste

Hot chili flakes, to taste

1 whole cucumber, peeled, seeded and chopped

1 bunch cilantro, bottom stems removed, chopped

Optional: toasted sesame seeds, about 3 tbs

Mix peanut butter and sesame oil till smooth. If there is oil on top of the peanut butter, make sure that goes in as well. Add soy sauce to taste. I like things salty, so I add a lot. Ditto the hot red pepper flakes. Toss in the cucumber, cilantro and sesame seeds if you are using them. Set aside.

Cook the linguine according to the package directions. Drain. Here's the most important part: rinse with cold water until the noodles are cold, or else they will not mix well with the peanut butter.

Mix noodles into peanut butter mixture. Chill and eat. Enjoy!

My God, that was a big bird.

Okay, I'm writing this down NOW so that I can look back a year from now to remember what I did. May I just say that it was the best. turkey. ever? It really turned out well, but it was very scary at the end, because after six hours, it was still not done, but then I cranked up the oven and another 30 minutes and a google search later it was done.

My best friend has an amazing kitchen with an amazing view. She set the table beautifully. It was a roasting hot, gorgeous day.

So here's what I did: went to Whole Foods and got a 24.5 turkey. Frozen solid. I know, I know. Also bought a small jar of brine mix and a big brine bag. Also bought some turkey paste from Williams-Sonoma. A full week before T-Day, I set that thing in the fridge to defrost. On Tuesday night, I brined. On Wednesday night, I de-brined and pasted and also added two sticks of butter to the outside. I filled the insides with lemons, limes, oranges, garlic bulbs (not even peeled, so that when I pulled them out, they were baked and gooey and perfect for spreading on the turkey) and onions. Put a giant bunch of rosemary in there too. Stuck some paste under the skin of the breast. Put onions and garlic in the bottom of the pan.

I put the turkey on a rack, and put it back in the fridge till the next day. I put it in at 10am at 400. After 30 minutes, lowered the heat to 325. I covered it in foil for the first two hours. I basted it way too much, according to my pal. I don't think so! It took 6.5 hours to cook. At the last 45 minute mark, I cranked the heat back up to 400. The temp was 165. I thought it was supposed to be 185, but something told me it was done, so google it was. Good thing I did. 165 was just fine. But it took forever to get there! As my pal's Mom said, "turkeys have a mind of their own." No kidding.

The first pic you see is about halfway through. Second pic is when it's done.

For a huge turkey, it was so moist and tender I could not believe it! Everyone raved. I was very pleased. Hope yours turned out just as well, if not better!

Thanksgivitovah!

People, I'm cooking this year and get this: the turkey is 24 pounds. Almost 25. I've already started defrosting. I have my brine mix ready and my Turkey Paste from Williams-Sonoma. I've not ever used either, but my NYC pals swear by it. Gravy is being outsourced to the local gourmet market. Mashed sweet potatoes are being done by the local BBQ joint. All other sides are being done by pals. But I have the STAR of the show, the turkey! What was I thinking? For a few years now, I've done the pre-cooked ones from the market. They are...eh. This year, since my pal Jan moved into a killer new house with a gigantic kitchen, I'm once again biting the bullet and cooking. the. turkey. YIKES! I promise to take pictures. I would like to tell you that the picture accompanying this post was done by a child, but sadly, no, I just did it 5 minutes ago in PAINT. Let's hope my turkey skills are better. More to come on this, for sure.

Home is where the meatballs are

These days, heading home means big skies. Fall is in the air, even in Los Angeles. We get crazy light, great clouds. For some reason, this reminds me of home: not necessarily Chicago or even Kenosha, where Mom lives now (talk about big skies!). I mean home in the sense of when I was a kid. When the light changed and the air got crisp, Mom would break out the hearty fare and what follows is her recipe for meatballs, which is so crazy-easy it almost begs the question: why NOT eat meatballs more often? After all, it’s comfort food – Welcome Home.

Mom’s meatballs

1 pk ground beef – I use 90% lean here, probably about 1 to 1.5 pounds
4 cloves crushed garlic
1 heaping tbs. of dried parsley
1 egg
½ cup breadcrumbs (store-bought with seasoning works just fine)
¼ cup parm cheese

(I have also added dried onions to this with success, but that onion-y crunch is not for everyone)

Mix together. Make 11 meatballs. Place in a large pot with TWO jars of store-bought marinara if you are in a rush. I love Barilla’s plain old marinara. Bertolli is a close second. Simmer on top of the stove on a low flame for 40 minutes. Done! Lots of meatball recipes call for mixing it up – pork, veal, beef. I’m a fan of doing this, but it takes time, which is hard to find these days. Like fall in LA – you really have to look for it. I’d also make the sauce from scratch if I could but alas…also, a lot of folks like to cook the meatballs before putting them in the sauce. If you use a lean enough cut of beef, the sauce will cook them for you and also get a great flavor to boot. Just keep the flame low and Bob’s Your Uncle, as they say in the UK.

On the road again.

I went to Northern California over the weekend to do a show. I occasionally travel for this, my show, my lifeline for nearly 8 (!) years. I am one of the nuns in "Late Nite Catechism." You've probably seen it, even if you've not seen me. What is it about travel that's so great? It's my Dad: he loved nothing more than being behind the wheel of a car. Mom, eh, not so much.

Everyone complains about the San Joaquin valley, about how boring it is, but honestly, I love it. It reminds me of home. I think those are almond trees in the first picture. Who knew?? Not me. I don't think I ever thought about how almonds grow. We made it up there in record time and the same held true the next day too. There seemed to be no traffic at all.

The theatre was right on the water. Lovely! Is there anything more fantastic than a stage floor? I was proud of that last picture. I'm happiest when I'm standing right there.

Quick Friday Recipe and Post

It's a crazy busy Friday, so I'll have to post pictures later. I tossed together a fantastic recipe for my latest obsession, beans, both black and white. Here it is:

1 small can white beans, drained.
1 small can black beans, drained.
1/2 small can chipotle peppers, not drained (toss the sauce in there as well)
2 raw cloves garlic
A few healthy glugs of olive oil
A few leaves (maybe two, no stems) of kale

Food process. Done. Enjoy your weekend!

A Credit Card Tale (but not of woe, ultimately)

No recipe with this post - unless you want to call this a recipe for reading your credit card statements.

I was recently stuck downtown in a parking garage and they only took cash. Since I never carry cash, the parking lot guy directed me to the only ATM machine around. I pulled out my credit card and got the 20 bucks and was on my way. Then I got my bill.

Really, BofA? TEN dollars for a twenty dollar withdrawall?

Plus, three bucks that Wells Fargo charged me for using their ATM (I bank elsewhere)? You. Gotta. Be. Kidding. Me. So, there I was, navigating my way through BofA's voicemail to dispute this (I lost btw) when I suddenly heard my 'available credit' right after my balance. The available credit was HALF of what it used to be. I went online and sure enough - way back in March, they dropped my available credit line to half of what it was. I guess you can pretty much tell I only look at what I owe when I get my bill.

So there it was. My credit card lowered my limit. It's happening all over, in the wake of the financial crisis. I thought I was immune, after all, I'm always throwing money at that thing. I really try to keep the balance as low as I can. Some months are more successful than others. But usually I do okay. I am not a big fan of kickbacks either, like rebates or tickets. I just have a basic card. I try not to fall prey to the tricks they pull. So, why did they lower my limit?

Google searching coughed up the usual propaganda: your limit's been lowered because you keep too high a balance. Your limit's been lowered because they are worried that you are risky. Your limit's been lowered because you were late. No. The reality is, my limit's been lowered because I'm a credit card company's worst nightmare - I'm the one who uses it a lot and pays off most of it, if possible. They are not making a dime on me.

Back in the old days, I used to carry huge balances. No surprise that I also had a huge credit line. But now that I'm trying to be more responsible with it, they are lowering my available credit. I called them up and asked for a 'raise.' Suddenly, I was being interviewed about my job (s), how much I made at each one, what I did, etc. They finally gave me 4 thousand of it back, but that was it. My knee jerk reaction of course was, how dare they? They TOOK something from me. As I explained to the girl, I like having the knowledge that IF god-forbid-something-happens, I HAVE that credit limit there as a backup. Her response was oh well, it sucks to be you (in corporate-speak of course).

But then the Boyf pointed out to me: they did you a favor. You should be writing them a thank-you note. And I realize - he's right. The problem is not that they think I'm irresponsible. It's that they know I'm responsible and therefore, they'll make no money on me at all.

He also said this: "if you ever had to charge your original credit limit on your card, you'd be screwed." Wise man, that Boyf of mine. I've had the same card for 20 years. It used to be a triple A card, tilll BofA swooped in. I don't want to get rid of it, but all of this makes me wonder - what will they do next? I guess we'll have to wait and see. The moral of the story is: read your fine print.

India

This will not be my first blog post about India. I went a few years back, thanks to some generous friends. It was mind-boggling. I went to Calcutta and Puri - both completely different and both completely unforgettable. I have some pix to share - oh boy, do I have pix. But enough. I also have a great recipe for marinade for chicken that I use over and over again. The Boyf claims it's the best chicken marinade ever.

Indian Chicken Marinade (adapted from Madhur Jaffrey)

1 tbs. paprika

1 tbs. fine black pepper (I omit this for the boyf, who is NOT a hothead)

1 tbs. store-bought garam masala

Dash cayenne

1 1/4 tsp. salt

2 tsp. oregano

2 tsp. cumin

3 tbs. veg. oil

2 tbs. plain yogurt (I use Fage Greek 0%)

2 tbs. fresh lemon juice

1 tbs. honey

3 cloves crushed garlic

That's it. Other things I have added, but which are not necessary are (you can add these by 1/8 tsp. increments if you desire): white pepper, smoked paprika, dried basil, liquid smoke, kolonji seeds, dried onions, garlic salt, crushed red pepper flakes and turmeric.

This works very nicely on 4 large chicken breasts. And, again, you can get small quantities of spices in your local health food store if you don't have any spices. Marinade for a day or for an hour, it does not really matter. I use my BBQ grill for this chicken, but I'm sure it would work in a saucepan as well.

My first post, and of course it's a recipe. Well, two.

Habanero

The habanero pepper. Notice the lack of tilde. For years, I mispronounced it. I love Ha-ban-YERO, I would sing, until my dear friend Ralph, the Master Salsa Maker corrected me. Was it Ralph who introduced me to it? Or my friend Nakita from Trinidad? I can’t remember. No matter. We’ve not been apart since I came upon it nearly 20 years ago. Check out the Habanero/Scotch Bonnet club I started on Facebook. We’re a little fanatical.

You’re getting two recipes with this blog post. The first one, well, can I brag? I won a Whole Foods cooking contest with this recipe. This was years ago in Chicago. As far as I know, they’ve never used it. But I did get an amazing food processor which I use to this very day. I remember my roommate at the time telling me “you’ll never win.” But I did.

Spicy Salsa

1 can (28 oz.) whole peeled tomatoes (hey who has time to use fresh? Not me).
1 bunch cilantro, washed, bottoms of stems removed (but don’t bother plucking off each leaf – see above)
1 lime
6 large cloves garlic
1 habanero pepper (take out the seeds if you want it milder – but you really don’t)
1 bunch green onions (only trim off tips, I use both green and white part)
Salt to taste (I like a lot)

Put everything but the lime and the salt into a food processor and blend for a nice long time. You really don’t want any chunks. Throw this into a pot. Add the juice of one lime and salt to taste (I probably use about ½ tbs.). Cook for ½ hour. Cool. Serve.

This next recipe is one I’ve spent the summer developing. Sorry for the use of hard-to-find ingredients. It’s a pet-peeve of mine, but these cookies are so good, it’s worth it. You can find most everything at Surfas if you live in LA, or the Spice House if you live in Chicago, or Kalustyan’s if you live in NYC. If you don’t live in those cities, the Spice House has an awesome website for online ordering. Tenuta’s in Kenosha, Wisconsin has both the elusive habanero powder AND the instant espresso powder (which is stubbornly hard to find) and they would pack it up nicely for you and ship it your way. OR, you could go to the nearest Mexican grocery store and probably get close to everything you need. Another alternative to small amounts of spices is to check out your local health food store. You can usually buy a small amount in bulk spices there.


So, back to the cookies. Did I mention they were cookies? I love chocolate and spice. Mole, for me, is manna. I started thinking; why not try cookies with mole ingredients? After a lot of taste-testing (and power walking to get rid of said taste testing), I hit upon what I think is the perfect recipe. The two chocolates play off each other nicely, the nuts add a perfect crunch and balance to the spice, and sure, the spice ingredients are small, but you are looking for grace notes here, not giant thumping fortissimo chords. If you’re a chocolate purist, you can go get fancy chocolate. Me, I’m a little lazy. But I really hope you like (no LOVE) these cookies.

“Mole” Cookies

1 large bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 small bag of milk chocolate chips
2 ¼ cups flour
¾ cup sugar
¾ cup brown sugar
2 sticks butter, softened
2 large eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1/8 tsp. ancho chili powder
1/8 tsp. cayenne
1/8 tsp. habanero powder
1/8 tsp. cinnamon
1/8 tsp. instant espresso powder
1 small bag of chopped almonds OR walnuts

Follow the directions for making the cookies on the large bag. When it comes time to sift together flour and soda and salt, also throw in the chili powders and espresso. Add both bags of chocolate and the nuts and blend and bake according to the directions on the bag.